My friend is having an "immediate family only" wedding. Is it appropriate to have a shower for her, so that all of her friends and extended family can celebrate with her? Note: none of the people attending the shower would be invited to the wedding.
It is generally considered poor form to invite someone to a wedding shower who will not be invited to the actual wedding, and I think some shower guests may be offended with this. What I would suggest instead would be to wait until just before or just after the actual wedding, and phrase the invitations as a second reception. You can send out an announcement that says, " (bride) and (groom) were (will be) married on this date. Please join us for desserts and appetizers to celebrate this event.
I wouldn't invite those to the shower that are not invited to the wedding personally. However with that said if you want to give it a try go for it. If someone is really offended they just wouldn't come. The bride may want to make a point to thank eveyone for coming and explain the family only wedding, maybe even go so far as to give a reason.
Truthfully, it is never a good idea to invite someone to a shower, but not allow them to attend the wedding. Many people choose to have the wedding ceremony private, and invite guests to the reception only. But, in this case, the reception sounds closed as well. In this case, I would definitely not host a shower. For one, it would be confusing. "Welcome to the shower, thank you for the gifts, by the way, the wedding ceremony is private and you will not be receiving an invite." Again, just my opinion. These days just about anything goes. If you can find a tactful way to do it, then have at it. Hope this helps:)
My thought is that only you know your friends and what they are like, so it's not really something any of us can answer. If she is having an immediate-family only wedding and all of your mutual friends know this and know why, but still would like someway to celebrate with her then throwing her a surprise shower might be a good idea. You might ask around and see what others think. I think generally it is poor etiquette to invite someone to a shower and not the real deal, but if it is something more involved in which people have talked and said yeah we want to do this for her then it is perfectly acceptable. That might be a better way of going about things. I think the point is that it should be something her friends do for her or her extended family does for her rather than one of the close people who is attending the actual wedding, if that makes any sense. Anyway good luck, i'm sure whatever you decide will work out fine.
