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Limousine for the Stars |
Hey, I'm Leo the Limo, I've done my limo thing for all the Hollywood Elite, but I never rolled around with an actor-turned-politician before. Pull up a chair, you're gonna hear a story about one heckuva day with Governor Ahh-nuldt.
Like I was tellin' ya, I work the Hollywood shift at Limousine Services To The Stars. Our motto is, "you got a place to go, we're the party on wheels that'll get you there". Usually I don't get all fired up over a celebrity limo rental, but when the Schwarzenegger call came in, my motor started humming.
I picked up The Terminator at local elementary school where he was giving a speech about staying in school and how important it is to vote. Now I understand the "kids staying in school" thing, but the vote comment raised my headlights a bit. I mean, come on, the guy's pushing the rug rats to get out the vote, but he admitted to "forgetting about voting" in six of the past 11 statewide elections. But hey, 6 out of 11 ain't that bad if you're Shaquille O'Neal shooting foul shots.
The Governor hopped in and his five-star limousine service began. We barely pulled away from the curb when the phone rang--I come with many perks like phones, a fully-stacked bar, and Donkey Kong on every video screen. I kinda listened in on the phone call. It was a magazine interview and the interviewer asked Governor S. if running for governor was the most difficult decision he ever had to make. Arnold said, "It's the most difficult decision I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." Okay, that was clearly a case of sharing too much information. That statement popped a visual in my on-board computer that I'd prefer to never see again for the rest of my engine life.
As the interview continued and we started racking up some limo rental time, the Big Guy was asked about his most favorite starring role. The Governor thought a bit, and then said it probably was being Conan. He said it was a blast to wear that skimpy barbarian outfit and play fight with cool swords. But then he thought some more and said that Terminator was a sweet roll as well. He added that there's nothing like getting millions to wear leather, crash motorcycles, and kill at least a hundred movie stuntmen.
By the time the phone interview was over my specialized limo service was pulling up to Arnold's next stop, a Hummer dealership. Apparently my guest rider wanted to check out the new '05 arrivals. When the salesman unveiled a black number that had just rolled off the trucks, the Governor grinned from ear to ear. I guess there's nothing like a big Hummer to put a smile on Mr. Schwarzenegger's face. He bought one for himself, one for Maria, and a mini Hummer for Danny DeVito.
After the car dealership, I turned my gears into Speedy Limo and we were off zooming to Sacramento for a speech on The State of The State. You can't imagine the lights and cameras and people who wanna piece of my guest. The Big Guy started his speech, but he was interrupted by hecklers who obviously had a different political viewpoint. They screamed for Schwarzenegger's head. They demanded to know what the Governor's relationship was with some influential lobbyists who represent the State's power elite. But Arnold was quick on his feet. He told them, "My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it." (I gotta admit I have no idea what that means, but it sure as heck shut up the hecklers for the time being.)
As my limo rental time approached the full day rate, The Man of the Hour wrapped up his speech with a statement about how important it is to dream big and go after those dreams. He, himself, talked about the dreams he had as a younger man. He said that he was always dreaming about very powerful people, like dictators… and people like that. Again, I'm not quite sure of the Governor's point here, but clearly some of his dreams did come true.
After our Sacramento sojourn, we headed to a speaking engagement at a National Rifle Association dinner. I got to hear a bit of what Mr. S. was going to say at the dinner. He told an associate that he was going to wrap up his speech by saying that people should always keep their ammunition and their guns in separate places. That way if you get emotional or experience Road Rage, you have a fail safe system before overreacting. When the associate said he didn't quite understand The Governor's statement, Arnold explained… By the time a person gets his gun from the glove compartment and his ammunition from out of his trunk, he's had plenty of time to cool down.
The associated nodded one of those, "Okay, I guess" approvals. I didn't get to hear much of The Governor's speech because they stuck me the bus parking area. I really hate that. Anyway, I think things went well because Mr. S came out with a big smile, a big cigar, and a gift-wrapped assault weapon.
After the NRA gig, my guest passengers got a call from Mrs. S saying it was time to wrap up the limo party and come home. Arnold protested, saying he was having fun and that it wasn't ever dark yet. Maria obviously wears the gun belts in the family because as soon as the phone call ended we made a path for Casa de Schwarzenegger. I was kinda unhappy considering the night was young and I had yet to see any gubernatorial groping. But when you're a professional limo working for a top limousine service, you do what you gotta do when you gotta do it. So my day with the ex-Kindergarten Cop came to an uneventful ending--although we did make one stop for sushi take-out, Arnold got the "Kali-fourn-yah" Roll. Well that's life in the fast lane. ...Until next time, hasta la vista, baby!
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