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Super Hero Costumes Means Super Hero Responsibilities |
It's Halloween and you decide that being a webhead is the in thing so you plunk your money down on a Spiderman costume. Very cool. Very hip. Very skin-tight, form-fitting and body-revealing lycra. But, hey, no problem, you've been working out like a Tobey MaGuire maniac and you have the lo-carb abs to prove it. So you've got the Halloween superhero look down, but can you back it up with superhero action if need be? Don't sweat it, most people who put on the masks and capes are neophites. That's why I'm here to help.
First, you have to take the oath: "If I wear the costume, I must be ready, willing and able to fulfill any superhero request that is made of me." It's a simple oath, but it carries with it the weight of the world. Like most superheroes you will be wracked with guilt and self-doubt. Just part of the territory. The sooner you realize you can't save the entire world, the better off you'll be to save who you can when you can. Which brings me to my point--the superheor responsibility of saving lives.
Now saving lives comes in all shapes and sizes and conditions. Every situation and proper response can't be detailed in the time and space offered to me. I'm going to give you the basics and then you'll have to adapt depending on the negative event and the evil villain you are facing. The most common "save" you need you have in your repertoire is saving someone who's hanging from a cliff/multi-storied building. Be aware, this is not a thinking man's save. You're probably only going to have a minute or two for the rescue before the unfortunate hanger looses his or her grip and tumbles to his or her untimely death. So, I recommend you stay focused and remember you are on the clock.
There are six proven steps to pulling a dangler to safety as per The Superhero's Guide to Saving Lives (copies can be bought on-line by visiting www.menintights.com.)
Number One: Secure yourself. A true hero is going to save lives not slip and fall and follow the cliffhanger to the bottom of the cliff. Find a rock-solid surface that will not give under pressure such as a boulder or convenient tree trunk. Remember time is of the essence. Pick something, tie yourself to it and move onto the next step. If you hear a ear-piercing "Helllllppppp!," you know you are taking too long.
Step Two: Calm the Cliffhanger. This may be a bit of a chore because the only thing that separates this guy from instant death is the slipping grasp of a hand clenched to a precarious mountain vine. Try to get him to reserve his strength for the actual "pulling to safety" move. A good joke will lighten the mood here, but be careful to avoid gallows humor. A joke about a guy hanging for his life from a cliff might not go over as well as you think.
Step Three: Wipe your hands on your pants. No, this is not a "cleanliness is next to Godliness" thing. Trust me when I say that the Cliffhanger is not going to give a rat's butt if you're hair is askew. He will however appreciate it immensely that you have dried your hands as best as possibly to avoid a slippery grip. Sweaty palms is probably the number one reason that cliffhangers unnecessarily plummet to their death each year. Note: This is NOT a good time to get ready by spitting in your hands. Stay dry; save lives.
Step Four: Grab hold of the Cliffhanger's hand. You will have to decide "in the moment" if you can do a two-hand grab or not. You may have to use one hand to secure yourself (see Number One). Clearly style points will be added if you can use a foot to secure yourself freeing up both hands for a two-handed grab. There's nothing more exciting and invigorating for the hero than to face death himself as he stretches his body to become a living lifeline for the Cliffhanger. Imagine your superhero boot wedged between a rock and a tree trunk as you yank your Cliffhanger to safety. Classic stuff.
Step Five: Grab onto the first thing you can reach. There's no time for a perfect hand-to-hand grasp and pull. Yeah, it makes great TV as the two hands lock in a vise grip, but the ends justifies the means here. A save is a save. So if you have to grab a coatsleeve or a clump of hair, go for it. If you get a better grip, you can switch to a hand-to-hand grasp to finish the save off. A caution here: loose clothing and hair can give way under the weight. A hero's goal is to get the hanger to safety by any means possible, but just think how you'll feel if you're left holding a good portion of the victim's scalp as your grip gives way and he freefalls backwards into a crevasse. You want a memory of the breathtaking save, not a nightmare. So what you have to, but change your grip to something more substantial as quickly as possible.
Step Six: Pull'em up. Yeah, okay, it's not going to be easy to yank two hundred pounds of freaked-out human from a dead hang. No one said being a superhero was going to be easy, but you still put on the costume, right? So yank and pull and grimace with all your might. Don't forget that you will probably have numerous cc's of adrenaline zipping through your veins. That's the same adrenaline that helps Moms lift cars off of beloved todlers who are stuck underneath the family van. If a hundred and twenty-pound Soccer Mom can do the impossible, so can you. If you have properly followed Step Two, the victim will be able to help you at this point by climbing as you pull. This team effort style is very successful, use it when you can. Remember there is no "I" in team. You will still be the hero no matter how much the victim helped.
Well, there you have saving a life in a nutshell. It's not pretty, but it works. Just keep in mind that you're "representin'" when you put on that Spiderman, Superman, or Batman halloween costume. And the same goes for King Arthur or the other haute medieval costumes. The days of just putting on a Frankenstein mask are over so beware and be careful out there.
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